Shuck and Jive

Opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent the views of the congregation I joyfully serve. But my congregation loves me!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Fundie Spam!

Snad, the keeper of the email at First Pres., got spammed by fundies! The Presbyterian Homophobic Coalition sent out love spam apparently to all PCUSA congregations. It must be all. Good grief, we got one. We are about the last church in the denomination to vote with the religious Reich.

The Presbyterian Coalition wants all folks to love their Bibles (especially the naughty parts) more than actual human beings. I think that is a rather odd theory of life. But these are odd folks. If you didn't receive their spam of hate (oops spam of love), here it is (with exegetical commentary of what they really mean):

Dear First Presbyterian Church of Elizabethton, TN,

Damn heretics!

Voting on the amendments will start up again this month after a break for the celebration of Jesus' birth.

We have finished buying useless crap for Jeebus and now want to bash gays for him!

The Joint Renewal Team completed its review of all fourteen amendments (08-A through 08-N) sent down by the 218th General Assembly for a vote by the presbyteries, and their comments and recommendations are now available.

We have been working on renewing the perfect joint--preferably with fewer seeds and stems.

You will see that the team made recommendations only in cases where we judged that the amendment would bring about a significant change.

You can bet we don't like change. We are still ticked that women got the vote.

The most important amendment before the Church this year is Amendment B. We recommend a "no" vote on that amendment.

There is nothing more important on God's green planet than avoiding gay cooties.

To date, thirteen of the 173 presbyteries have voted on Amendment B. Twelve have voted "no." Most of the voting still lies ahead; the greatest number of votes will occur between January and March of this year. The voting must be completed by the end of June 2009.

So get out there with that anti-gay propaganda! Time's a wastin'!

I'm available to help you prepare for the vote in your presbytery. Please visit the Campaign website, where you will find a wealth of resources. You can reach me by email ( or phone (703-680-4571) as well.

I got a whole bucket of lies and threats to help you pummel the unsuspecting!

May God grant that 2009 be a year in which we Presbyterians experience with renewed hope all of the benefits that are ours in Christ Jesus, and rejoice in the abundant riches of his grace.

We couldn't keep Negroes on the plantation or women in the kitchen, but with God's help we can keep gays in the closet!

Pray for the Church.

Or failing that, refuse to pay per capita and foment schism.

Yours in Christ,

Terry Schlossberg
Coordinator, Campaign to Defeat Amendment B
Looks like a fun couple of months ahead!