Shuck and Jive

Opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent the views of the congregation I joyfully serve. But my congregation loves me!

Monday, January 07, 2008

Jesus's Secretary Answers Your Prayer Concerns

Hey everyone!

It has been awhile since we chatted. I reported a few months ago regarding the big excitement about the impending rapture that didn't turn out. Jesus, as you may remember, had an emergency in another galaxy and took off in the Lincoln Town Car with Mary Magdalene. He is scheduled to return to Earth in 2525.

Heaven is back to its regular routine. As you know, one of the ongoing tasks of the folks in Heaven is to coordinate prayers. Now if that doesn't fill your head with gray hairs, nothing will! Since I am the secretary of Jesus, I am the chief coordinator.

Many people think that the prayers go directly to Jesus. That is not exactly the case. All prayers from Earth arrive first in the heavenly speedway. In Heaven these prayers are processed, categorized, and edited for clarity.

Here are some of Heaven's workers processing prayers. It appears to be break time.

Then the prayers are sent to the appropriate god, goddess, saint, or ancestor. Many of the prayers that are directed to Jesus, his mother Mary, or the Big Guy can actually be handled by the lesser deities.

Nevertheless, Jesus will get sent a good number. Mary answers more prayers than Jesus. She really has a gift. Very few prayers go up to the Big Guy. Don't tell the Muslims.

Sometimes, a mistake is made. A prayer may end up on the desk of a very different god than the pray-er intended. If you have ever wondered why a prayer was answered in a really strange way, that could be the case.

Heaven has been flooded with prayers in recent times. For a long time we tried to handle the volume ourselves. We have expanded our control center, brought on new workers, but it costs money. Some have entertained the thought of charging for prayers. But it really goes against heaven's principles.

We have solved this problem by outsourcing. There is planet in the Alpha Centauri system whose heaven isn't as busy for some reason. I guess folks are just happier there. They have been great. They work cheaply and efficiently. They process a great number of prayers and send them back for distribution in just a few seconds. They are willing to work at young age, too!

Here is a happy worker in the Alpha Centauri system coordinating prayers on a microchip. She is laboring so your prayers go to the right deity and make your life better.

Next time I will give you the lowdown on what kinds of prayers we receive. You won't believe what some people pray for!

Mushy Kisses,
Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector