Wednesday, January 09, 2008
How to Send a Prayer that Works!
Jesus' secretary here with a few tips on prayer. Since I oversee the coordination of all the prayers in heaven, I can offer a few suggestions on how to get the answer you want to your particular prayer.
You need to know some basics on how a prayer becomes a reality. It is kind of like those lessons you took in civics class: how a bill becomes a law. Just follow the praying hands!
You send a prayer to heaven.
"Dear Krishna, please make Emily (the girl who sits next to me in Chemistry class) go out with me. She is so hot! Amen."
Your prayer goes to prayer control central.
Here it is edited and categorized (ie. prayer of confession, prayer for a parking space, prayer to smite an enemy). This prayer is a prayer of petition, subcategory--romance.
It is possible that your prayer may be outsourced for processing at Alpha Centauri.
Your prayer returns to prayer control central. Here it is designated to a particular deity, saint, ancestor, and so forth.
TIP: Do direct your prayers. If you don't direct your prayer to a particular deity, the computer selects at random. Most of those prayers are rejected out of hand. "Dear God" is considered generic.
Your prayer is then sent to the office of the deity to whom the prayer is directed for evaluation.
TIP: Do some research and pick a deity you think will answer your prayer. If your prayer doesn't get answered, try a different deity. It doesn't matter what religion you profess. Often deities are flattered by prayers from someone new. They think they have won a convert.
The office of the deity checks your previous prayers to this deity and examines your file.
If this is a first time prayer to this deity, the office does a background check on you. I can't say what they are looking for exactly. Each office of the deity has different guidelines.
The offices are independent. They do their own background checks and keep their own files. In this case, the office will do a background check on Emily since your prayer involves her.
TIP: Don't send the same prayer to the same deity. If the office has rejected it once, it will likely reject it again.
The office of the deity consults, debates, and makes a decision. 99% of the time the decision of the office is final. They know their deities.
The decision is sent to the deity who signs your prayer into reality!
We aren't finished yet. Then the office of the deity sends out the delivery angel to enact that prayer.
For example, in this case, the angel could delude Emily into thinking you are attractive.
A complication could arise. It is possible that Emily has sent a prayer about you. (ie. "Dear Sophia, please make that creep who sits next to me in Chemistry class leave me the hell alone.")
If both prayers get signed, and angels sent, the angels themselves will have to work it out. They are obligated to carry out the signed prayer. They may compete, but usually they reach a settlement. In this case, they could decide to have Emily go out with you and then have you drink one too many rum and cokes and slobber all over her.
Then she slaps you and one of her boyfriends on the football team puts you in the emergency room. You become too ashamed to ever look at her again.
It all works out.
Secretary 9B8 Gamma Sector