Shuck and Jive

Opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent the views of the congregation I joyfully serve. But my congregation loves me!

Friday, July 06, 2007

Rapture Update: We Have Heard from Jesus!

Hi Everybody,

I just heard from Jesus. He is OK! Thank God. The sad news is that he is not going to make it to Earth for the Rapture. He was nearly here when he got news that an emergency was brewing in the Andromeda Galaxy. He has changed course.

Andromeda is 2.5 million light years from us. The top speed of the Lincoln Town Car when flying inter-galactically is Warp Fifteen Grand (15,000 times the speed of light).

Even at that speed he won't make it there for 167 years. He has to take care of an emergency and other issues, so he is certain he won't be back to Earth for at least 500 years. I tried to pin him down, but the earliest he will be here is February 5th, 2525 or 2/5/2525. It will be a great day!

I can't say that I am not disappointed. But, Jesus needs to be where he needs to be. He sent me this e-mail to pass on to you. This is a
red-letter e-mail from Jesus!

Dear Earth Friends,

I know you are disappointed. I am as well. My secretary, John, of 9B8 gamma sector, will fill you in on the details. He is a mensch, I tell you. A little flighty, but he has a good heart. No one is more disappointed than he is about the delay. I have to be where I am needed. A star in Andromeda is about to go supernova much earlier than I expected so I have to rapture those folks first. My job seems to be all about responding to one emergency after another!

Speaking of emergencies, I know that you think that times are perilous on Earth, with global warming, energy concerns, increasing population, Paris Hilton misbehaving and so forth. I tell you the truth, these problems are not as large as you think. You humans have been endowed with reason, compassion, creativity, imagination, and opposable thumbs! You can do it! I have complete confidence in you!

You just need to believe in yourselves! You don't need me to rescue you. You have everything you need within and among you! Even though I am going to be physically out of reach for the next 500 years, I am with you in Spirit! For inspiration, my Sermon on the Mount, is still an award winner. Also, you might want to read some of Tom Robbins's novels. He cracks me up! And what he says is so true!

Here are three things to remember:
  1. Clean up after yourselves.
  2. Don't take more than your share.
  3. Leave Earth in good repair for future generations.
And be lighthearted! Don't you think it is amazing that you even exist??!! Look around you! Enjoy life! You can do it! I have complete faith in you.

The Buddha, Krishna, Muhammed, Pan, Moses, Sophia, Ma'at, Zeus, and all the goddesses, gods, prophets, and demiurges send their love and good wishes. With much admiration...

Your Friend, Lord 'n' Savior,

P.S. I have had heard the rumors. I know the talk that is going around about Mary Magdalene and me. The gossip is getting out of hand. I want it to stop. I have had enough! So I am going to settle this. Mary Magdalene and I are just friends! Really. I mean it. Friends.

She is a desirable woman and, yes, I did ask Dad to
whisk her up to heaven. I admit that I am--I mean--I was attracted to her. Who wouldn't be with that long flowing red hair? She is a cutie. And yes, she does go on trips with me and is with me now as my personal assistant. But that is it! Get your minds out of the gutter! We are just friends...

Oh, never mind then.

Much Love,

So...that is it, I guess. Jesus has taken off for Andromeda in his hyper-drive Lincoln Town Car with Mary Magdalene and won't return for 500 years. 2/5/2525.

Now, I have to organize the staff here in Heaven. I have no idea what to do with all of this food. It is enough to feed God's army--literally! So much to do. I am being a little wistful now, but I won't see Jesus until after I am dead. I will pass on my daybook to the next secretary who will pass it on to the next and so on. We secretaries will do our best to keep track of Jesus's calendar. A secretary's job is never done!

Apologies to John Schuck. I guess he isn't the Antichrist after all. I am happy about that. I have always liked him.

So, it is just us. No Rapture, at least for a long, long while. We have to keep it together. I sure am glad I beamed in the Live Earth concerts. We will watch them as we clean up heaven. You should check them out and maybe even get involved in your area! If you are in the Tricities area join the crowd at seven p.m. tonight (July 7th) at the Acoustic Coffeehouse!

Signing Off,
Secretary 9B8 gamma sector