Shuck and Jive

Opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent the views of the congregation I joyfully serve. But my congregation loves me!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Rapture Update!

Hi Everybody! I have a few minutes to catch you up on preparations for the Rapture! It is only a week away and all of heaven is in full-speed making preparations for the return of Christ. I am in heaven right now and the latest word is that Jesus is on schedule and he is thrilled about his visit.

When I say heaven, I mean Earth's heaven. Every planet has its own nice little heaven. Of course, there is a big super duper heaven, but folks who know its whereabouts are keeping mum. Earth's Heaven is just above the stratosphere (so we can avoid the planes). The neat thing about heaven is that we have a delightul view (on a clear day) of Earth below.

Now when the Rapture occurs on Saturday July 7th, at seven seconds after seven minutes after seven a.m. Jerusalem time (be sure to make calculations for your
time zone), don't be alarmed if you see bodies going up while you are not. Remember the dead have to rise first. So, be careful you don't get hit by those rapidly falling up bodies. Stay away from cemeteries. You also may notice a lot of ash and dust in the air. That is normal, each body is connecting with itself.

In Heaven, they are preparing a lovely banquet. Veggies, nice cheeses, meat trays, and everything is Kosher (for the Jews for Jesus). Once you are raptured, you will be processed. That shouldn't take too long and everyone will receive a white robe (modest yet sporty). The dead will go through the buffet line first (after being revived you know they will be famished!) But there is enough for everyone. After a nice leisurely banquet, Jesus will come and offer a few words of welcome. I'm sure there will be lots of laughs!

Now, I am going to check on the musicians. The trumpeters are vying for position--who gets a solo, who gets to be closest to Jesus--I tell you working with musicians can make you want to pull your hair out!

That's all for now! More reports to come! Just one week! Don't forget to save your neighbor!