Shuck and Jive

Opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent the views of the congregation I joyfully serve. But my congregation loves me!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Comings and Goings of Jesus

As many of you know, I am a Presbyterian pastor. I am also the calendar keeper for Jesus in our sector of the galaxy. I keep track of Jesus's appointments for all the planets around our Sun and the other 999 stars nearest to us. It isn't easy, but I love my job.

My job isn't nearly as difficult as Jesus's job. He has to come and go to every planet twice. If you want to know what an ordeal that is check out the Galaxy Song. But that isn't a billionth of it. His schedule is full, and I mean jam-packed. He is always on the go. The angels keep telling him to slow down, but he is a man on a mission.

As you know, the big news for us is that Jesus is scheduled to return to Earth for his second coming on July 7th, 2007. I am so excited! He was of course, scheduled to come a lot earlier. Paul, who had a vision, thought Jesus would come in his lifetime. Jesus kept telling him, "Paul, I don't think I am going to make it that soon." But, Paul, as always, a bit stubborn, tried to pin Jesus down.

Well, as it turned out, Jesus had too many other pressing appointments then and couldn't get Earth on his calendar until 2007. He thought he might make it in 1843, but it just didn't work out.

You have to understand his schedule. Not only does he have to make first comings, but he also has to make second comings. But that isn't the half of it. He has to be there for the creation of planets and he has to answer all of those prayers. Thanks to his various moms and saints, they take care of a lot of that for him, but some folks just want to pray to Jesus. He has to answer to each one, "Yes, No, or Maybe Later."

Sometimes Jesus doesn't even know if he is coming or going. I shouldn't tell this (although it should be public knowledge by now) but Jesus goofed once. He was scheduled to arrive at the Globfyst Planet in the NGC 4414 Galaxy about 1000 years ago (our time). Jesus turned himself into a zygote and was just about ready to pop into a virgin, when Gabriel reminded him that he had already been to Globfyst! Jesus was supposed to do a second coming, not a first! Boy, the angels have been razzing him about that ever since!

NGC 4414, a typical spiral galaxy in the constellation Coma Berenices, is about 17,000 parsecs in diameter and approximately 20 million parsecs distant. Credit:Hubble Space TelescopeNASA/ESA.

First comings take some time. Thirty-three years for us. He has to be born, grow up, tell people to love their enemies, get crucified, resurrected, appear to apostles, then take off for his next assignment. Now on some planets that can happen in a few minutes (our time) but for others hundreds of years or more. One day is a thousand years for Jesus!

The second comings require even more work. Not as much time, just seven years or so after the rapture, but it is exhausting fighting the devil and chaining him to the pit for 1000 years. Jesus can do other things while the devil is chained, but he has to keep an eye on him nonetheless.

So, you get an idea of this busy, busy, busy god-man's schedule? So it isn't that he doesn't care. Far from it! It is just that this universe is a big place!

Thankfully, we are on the calendar for July 7, 2007. That is seven a.m. and seven minutes, seven seconds Jerusalem time. 07/07/07 07:07:07 I hope he can make it. Check your time zone.

Now, I have to go and meet with the other keepers of the calendar and make final preparations for the return of Jesus. I have to say, I am kind of helter skelter right now. I mean this just came up. I had no idea Jesus was going to come next week! I tell you, he is like a thief in the night.

But it is set. So, make sure you get saved by July 6th at the latest. You might want to get saved earlier, but if you do, make sure you behave yourself until the 7th.

O.K. Let's see, anything else? We have the rapture for Earth on the 7th. This will be my last blog post then on Earth. Wow!

Now, if there is a glitch in the plans, I will be back July 9th. Hopefully, no glitches.

I do hope everyone on Earth reads this blog.

Alrighty then, see you in heaven!